Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
