Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I've blown a few things in my day
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
