Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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