My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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