You made me cry and you don't even care
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
