I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
