Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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