I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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