Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
