I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
