In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
