My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
where are you?
Hypothermia
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
