Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
