I hate your face
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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