i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
