Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
