I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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