New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
