Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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