it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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