I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
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