idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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