im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
