would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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