I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
