Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
