don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Blood and glitter go together right?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
