Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
