I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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