That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The best revenge is premature balding
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
