He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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