I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
