Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
