so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
