how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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