Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
