Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
