Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I currently don't understand fingers.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
