I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
