Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.