3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls