Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.