You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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