The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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