Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
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