He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
