Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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