I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
