One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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