I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
