dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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