best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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