Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
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