dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
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