DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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