I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
