yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
