i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
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The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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