I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
