Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
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He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
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Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Shame is for Republicans.
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